I don’t when I became such a big fan of quiet and solitude.  I mean you’re talking about a woman who went clubbing 2 – 4 times a week… to dance and drink and be generally “social”… and yet, even then i wanted to be in the background.  I like to be a part of the scene, in the middle of something, a part of something… but not too much.  At Hampton, I wanted to work at the radio station, but didn’t want to be on air.  That kind of sums me up:  I want to be in it… but not really in the forefront.  But, I want that recognition.  I want people to know I’m awesome, without ever having to be the one to tell them.

We live in such a me, me, me society.  It makes me sick to my stomach sometimes to watch people shamelessly promote themselves.  I could never see myself being that person.  But I do want to be the person that gets mentioned right after… “… you know there’s one person i’d like to thank for being such an [adjective] person… i couldn’t have done it without [insert my name here].”  and then that can be it… i don’t need to come up and make a speech, don’t need the spotlight to wander over to where i’m sitting… don’t need a cash award (though that would be nice)… i just want other people to know, and occasionally tell a friend that I’m pretty ok.

And even after I type that, i don’t even know why that’s important.  I don’t even know why that matters so much to me.  I guess a lot of ways i just feel overlooked.  Maybe it’s because i prefer the shadows, or maybe i stay in the shadows so i can throw a pity party for myself when I’m not acknowledged… honestly i don’t know.  What I do know is that I get so shocked when someone tells me something good about myself… especially when it’s particularly random.  Sometimes compliments are directed at me and people deliver them so matter-of-factly that I can’t help but think maybe these are things that I should know… and yet, it’s always a surprise to me.

But no matter how bad today was, I still finished my studying.  I still went to class and participated. I still got up and did everything i was supposed to do today and came home and made myself dinner.  I hate that I’m at a point where the mundane has to be an accomplishment, but i guess until i get a good day or 6 under my belt, this will have to do.

As part of the Certified Public Managers course that I am in I read a book about the importance of taking small steps.  Even though I find myself wanting to continue studying, I try not to let myself do it.  I actually think it would be detrimental to move forward with the material because I might burn myself out.  Plus there will be PLENTY of time for pushing myself as I near the end of this journey. 

I also went back to see the rheumatologist.  The amount of pain that I was in was unbearable.  I like to relax with the best of them, but feeling stuck to the couch day after day without the strength to get up was blowing me.  Of course i got scolded for taking myself off the meds, and they prescribed a buncha stuff, but i’m really trying to be a good patient this time around.. really!

Pray for me.

A couple of weeks though i had a slice of apple… and nothing happened.  So i had another and another.. and then saturday I purchased an apple and a plum at the grocery store, and I ate them both, and again nothing happened.  Then today I got hungry and so for breakfast I bought and ate an apple.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about my life and what I want my legacy to be.  I don’t need to go down in history books or to be widely known, but i do have a strong desire to accomplish something.   Well a lot of somethings.  I want to leave a mark on this world, and I’m starting to feel like i’m running out of time to do so.  My father first began having issues when he was in his mid 50s.  My brother, 55 likely has Parkinson’s disease.  I am just a couple of months shy of 36.  The idea that I could go long before I am ready is starting to weigh on me.  In addition to motivating me to take better care of my health and start good exercise and eating habits (yay apples!), that reality motivates me to put some serious effort into finding my way.

I can’t say I have it all mapped out yet, or that i’m even close, but I do know that no matter what, I don’t want to live with regrets.