Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

Discharge Day

Man… I’ve been “dreading” this day since I found out I was pregnant… The same thought would go thru my mind… Who in their right mind would let me head home with a baby that i just met?  Well, for now, that’s not our reality.  We’re heading home, but The Dictator will be here for a long while.  Can it hurt this much to be separate from someone you barely even know?  Anyone that knows me can agree on one thing Monica likes to be in control.  I have NO control over any of this.  I mean I’m rational to know that there is no way I can take a 1.5lb baby home and make anything successful come out of it… but if money wasn’t an object I would damn sure try to buy one of each of those machines and hire enough staff to work from my house to take care of him round the clock… but again, that’s not our reality for now.

So where does life go from here?  The Dictator’s room can “comfortably” fit two skinny nurses, BJ and a half a Monica.  And that’s if we’re all standing really really still.  There’s a shitload of machines that beep constantly, a table with a computer, and a bunch of stuff that I’m scared to death to knock over.  The nurses are great about sliding out of the way to make more room but realistically, we just kind of go in, stare, maybe touch him a little, ask a bunch of questions and just walk out.  It’s not the kind of place where you can just hang out.  I’m not sure how this is going to sound, but to be honest, I’m not about just sitting around and staring at my son struggle fight for his life.  I want to pick him up when I see those arms flailing… I want to gently move his hand when i see him reaching for the tubes that monitor and feed him… i want to comfort him when he appears to be crying… But for now, that’s all we have.  A few minutes a day to say hi, comfort and talk to him.  I try to keep it in perspective.  I mean if he were where he was supposed to be right now I wouldn’t be able to do any of those things either.  So it’s kind of like i’m getting a sneak peak.  but clearly this is less than ideal.  BJ’s job has been great about giving him time off this week, as has mine.  My gig is temporary thru the end of November, when i accepted the position it was perfect.  Work til November, chill for a month, have a baby, chill some more, then get a real job.  But what now.?  I’ll likely head back to work next week and so will he.  In my mind I liken it to dropping a baby off at daycare… parents do it all the time.  We’ll do morning visits and come by after work and if I can’t sleep i’ll come by in the middle of the night.  24 hour access has many privileges.  But for now it honestly doesn’t make sense for us to bring our lives to a screeching halt in that sense.  Financially… good lord financially… I’m scared to see the first bill.. we have health insurance… all three of us are covered… but this… this is going to be expensive.  Likely about $14,000 between now and december.  I can’t even get my mind around that number… But it will be fine.  It has to be really.  I’m not letting myself worry about that.  My son will be at “day care” all day, and I will spend time with him when I get off work, and his daddy will do the same.  As time goes on and tubes get smaller or are removed, we will get to do more.  The NICU encourages lots of skin to skin contact.  So we’ll be able to spend time with him laying on our chest.  and then as he progresses further, we’ll get to actually assist with his care… those are the days I want to  be off work.  When we’re in a bigger room… one big enough for a full monica… when I can change  a diaper of comfort my crying baby… looking forward to those days are what will make these first several weeks a little more bearable.The lesson is to learn to look to the future while living completely in the moment.. to be cautiously optimistic about what is to come, while being completely satisfied with the here and now… essentially, the lesson is to learn to do the impossible.

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