Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

Getting Back to Me

I went to see a therapist last night… it’s been a LONG time coming.  Life hasn’t been quite “right” since I moved to California last year.  Honestly I’m developing a bit of a love/hate relationship with this place.  I’m not sure if it’s the fact that I spent so long romanticizing what it would be like to live here, or that I just waited so long to do it, but this just isn’t what I envisioned when I thought about living here.

I guess my first bad experience was the summer of 2008 when I worked here for a year.  For so long my biggest fear was that I’d move to california, and my parents would get sick and I’d be nowhere near.  The summer of 2008 my father died.  I tried to convince myself that now that the “worst” had happened and I lived to tell about it, clearly I could handle anything… and then i moved out here, my mom’s health plummeted and now she will also likely pass away while I’m in California.  Add to that the whole premature baby stuff and just the constant stress of steadily rising housing costs… I’m so far out of my comfort zone I just don’t know what to do… and that’s what led me to a therapist.

It was a good session.  I’ve gotten so stressed that my shoulders are tight, my neck hurts… i’m just constantly worked up.  She encouraged me to “embrace” the word “trauma”… To accept that what has happened is indeed traumatic… Essentially to validate all the feelings that I’ve deemed “irrational” and “unacceptable”.  Even as I type it it seems so simple, but i’m just not sure how to (finally) let myself feel something that i’ve been working so hard to suppress for the last year.

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