I mean…
I don’t even know what i mean…
My thoughts are all over the place so bear with me…
Over the past week I have gone with my mom to see three nursing homes for my dad. I knew it would get to this point but i’m so angry with my mother… not angry frustrated. Things started going downhill with my parents’ health when I was in college back in the mid to late 90s. It was then that my mom developed a bad habit of keeping things from me. She decided that I was too busy/focused to be “bothered” with their health woes. The result is that I came home and everything was entirely different.
My dad is now very sick… and my mom isn’t doing so good either. She doesn’t realize that she is starting to have issues with day to day things and she just isn’t making good decisions. Maybe it’s because she’s so tired from looking after my dad. Maybe it’s because she’s getting older. I don’t know what it is, but this downplaying of what is going on has got to stop. I listened to her tell a lady at a nursing home that my dad has lost “a little bit of weight”… this man has not eaten a real meal in weeks. THREE WEEKS… He is skin and bones. She’s overwhelmed and I know this, but i hate to think that they are going thru this. These are the people that have done everything for me and watching this happen is beyond painful.
I think it’s about time i make my way back to the therapist. I’m so far past “emo” these days… trying to reach out to friends to hold on to those I care about because i feel so out of control of it all. I’m at a loss. I don’t know how to fix everything that’s going on… ppl I thought i could count on to be there for me or at least provide some sort of distraction have pushed me away… or maybe it’s me pushing myself away… did i mention my brain is all over the place? I’m waiting to hear what hospital they’re admitting my father into… i have an exam i need to take tomorrow. I just need to hold it together for one more day.
Please pray for me and my family… it’s rough.
Gangsta Mittens 
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