Faith
Every school I attended from birth until 12th grade focused on religion.. yep.. not only was i a private school kid… i was a catholic school kid. I was baptized, went thru confirmation, all of that stuff. I have godparents.. i am a godparent… all those things you’re supposed to do…
That being said, i always had issues with my religion. Early on I found myself dealing with the fact that I didn’t think we should judge people the way I felt the catholic church did. I was also always bothered by the inherent sexism that I perceived in the church, so while religion was always an important part of me, i was often at odds with the entire concept.
As time went on i found myself more and more at odds with the church based on their stance on things like abortion and homosexuality. It got to the point where I pretty much swore off church. But I still believed in a higher being… i just assumed that folks were getting his message wrong, as humans are prone to do.
By college i wasn’t going to church, although I still prayed faithfully. I often find that I “crave” religion… i truly believe that there is something looking out for us and faith is an important part of who i am… part of the reason why i married brian was because of his upbringing in the church… there is something about being able to pray together and share a somewhat common set of beliefs that is… comforting. We often talked about finding a church to join together. But with his schedule and frequent late saturday nights followed by sunday morning working it just never fell into place.
Around the time my father’s health started failing…then my mother’s… and even more recently my brother’s, I realized just how far I had gotten from the church and religion in general. I hated the fact that I found myself praying so much when i needed help, but not as often to just say thank you. Then came Stephen’s early arrival into this world. I feel absolutely lost… i try to pray, but the words don’t come out right. I know that I really don’t have to say much, but there is so much i want to say. I want to express gratitude for a blessing that I had all but given up on. I want to express how grateful I am, but how worried i also am about what the future holds. I want to ask for strength, but also acknowledge the strength that I’ve found that I didn’t know i had… At the same time, church is so daunting to me at this point in my life. In some ways i feel like an imposter.. i was gone all those years, and here i am popping up when i need something…
I know i put a lot all of that on myself, and I’m trying to get back to what once felt so natural and comforting. There’s a church not far from the hospital that offers a 7:30am daily mass. I am working on making that a weekly thing for me. It’s not quite sunday mass level, but I’m hoping it’s a start. In some ways i feel like I’m grasping at straws here… trying to find something to believe in and to hold on to… but i also know i need a bit of familiarity to stay sane these days, so if this is what it takes, then it’s worth it.
Gangsta Mittens 
Leave a Reply