Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.


Stephen is doing his best to keep moving forward.  His weight is up, the breathing tube is gone (for now), but there are still all types of other daily battles that he has to fight.  I think I felt like once the breathing tube was out we’d be fine… not that anyone told me that… but i just made the breathing tube the enemy and felt like once we got rid of it things would magically be ok.  I was reminded, once again, that I’m not always right.

After the breathing tube came out, he started to have stomach issues… bleeding in his stomach to be specific.  All of the tests for possible causes were negative, so we honestly have no idea what caused it. They paused his feedings for awhile, but have since resumed them and he’s putting on weight steadily.  His breathing continues to be an issue, but at least he has moved away from the most invasive of the breathing helpers.

I’ve been doing my best to make some progress too.  I find myself becoming increasingly annoyed with people… not that i didn’t expect it… but it’s tiring having to explain myself all the time.  I’m not surprised that people who don’t know me say ridiculous things, but it’s hard to hear stuff from people who claim they do.  I had a good talk with a coworker about mothers who make a decision to maintain their identities outside of their children.  I fully understand that that is frowned upon by society. I constantly hear how my life will/has changed because we had Stephen.  I hear about the things that I need to do differently.  The things i can’t do… and i just have to shake my head.  I’m not crazy.  I know i can’t take my child to a strip club or have the baby at the bar while i’m getting hammered.  but having a child doesn’t make me a leper or a shut-in either.  I was me before he got here… and honestly i kinda like me before he got here… i’m not letting that go.  I like working to help people.  I like hanging out with friends and going out to eat and having a drink at the bar.  I don’t intend to let that go and i don’t intend to become some different entity now that the M-word applies.  The reality is, i’m still me, it’s the people around me that are being different towards me.

I made a comment about being exhausted the other day, and someone was quick to chime in “welcome to parenthood”… Uh… I went to law school and worked full time and was on the editorial board of the administrative law review… you think that parenthood is the first time i’ve been exhausted?  Shit like that is like nails on a chalk board to me.  Some one else said “get ready for gray hairs”… umm i’ve been going gray since I was 20… just like my mom.. same pattern of gray and everything…  I still drink mojitos… i still go out to dinner and stay up too late… and all that other stuff.  I still want to work.  I still want to be me.  it just seems like everyone is disappearing and assuming that I can’t/won’t/don’t want to be me anymore.  As much as I try to be me, folks aren’t willing to let me do it.

I’m not naive… i realize that a lot of the things that i’m able to do are greatly simplified by the fact that stephen isn’t home with us, but i’ve seen enough people carry on with their lives besides their “plus 1”.  I had a long talk with my mom about the same topic.  She fully acknowledges that she gave up a lot for the sake of her children and she regrets it.  She doesn’t regret us… but she regrets not doing more because she made us the most important thing in her life.  She reminded me that your child doesn’t have to be the end all be all in order for you to be a good parent, and I plan to hold on to that.

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