Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.


To know me is to know that I have no patience.  I can always do it faster and better than whoever is doing whatever.  I don’t like to wait.  I don’t like to trust other people to do things.  I am an admitted control freak…

This process is torture for any parent, but it has got to be worse for those who do not like relinquishing control… who do not know how to delegate… and who always think that they know best.   I suppose a disclaimer is necessary here:  I trust the doctors and nurses.  They are skilled, compassionate, and have tons of years of experience with these babies.  That being said, I can’t help but to question their decisions and to wonder if maybe they should be doing something a little different. I fully accept that I am in no way, shape or form an expert in neonatal medicine.  But I just can’t help but to want to interject myself into the decision-making process.

The nurses assure me that I don’t overstep my boundaries, and the social workers have promised to tell me when/if I become detrimental to the process… and I appreciate that… I need that… but I’m still so overwhelmed by how little control I have over this entire process.

To put this in perspective, the NICU is a revolving cast of characters… The “constants” are the two social workers.  Doctors rotate every couple of weeks.  There are three shifts of nurses each day.  We’ve established some primaries for the Dictator who are the main ones who take care of him, but other than that, there are any number of nurses that might watch him on a given day.  The upside to the primary nurses is that they get to know him and, in my absence, they become like an advocate for him.  When a new doctor rolls in and says let’s try XYZ, a primary nurse can step in and say “we’ve already tried that” or “he does better when we do ABC instead”.  This can of course cause it’s own problems as all nurses don’t agree on what’s best, and sometimes they can be wrong too, but it’s nice to feel like someone in there has your back and the best interest of your baby in mind when you can’t be around, or when you have little idea of what’s going on.  The system works surprisingly well, but it sometimes feels like nothing I say matters, and that’s when the frustration sets in.

I’ve had doctors remind me that I have little to no real say in the course of action, and I get it.  I’m not a doctor, I don’t know what to do, but it still stings like hell to have it put that way.  And most of all, all i really want to do is make it better for the Dictator.  To take away any pain, soothe any fussiness, and just make him better.  It’s hard to see how much work he has to do to breathe and to know that it’s just his battle to fight.  All my life i have tried to step in and take the burdens of others.  Whether it’s giving a shoulder to lean on or just listening to those who tend to not be heard, I have always tried to help those who seemed to be fighting so hard.  But this time, all i can do is sit back and watch.  Maybe a hand on the back… maybe some encouraging words, but there really is nothing that I can do except to wait, and be patient.

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