Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

What now? b/w Disappointment

I had been waiting for my job to come to an end.  I was managing a grant and when grant funding ends, so do the jobs associated with it.  I thought that maybe I would be kept on… well i believed i would be kept because that’s what I was told… but i guess that wasn’t to be because they hired a new me and now, i’m unemployed. 

There’s actually no love lost about it… I’ve needed this kick in the ass for awhile now, but the newest question for me is, “So what now?”

While i was waiting to be let go I formulated all of these plans for what I would do when i finally got let go.  I had dreams of traveling (a month in Paris to be exact).  I had plans to follow my dreams… study for the CA Bar Exam, paint, write, etc.  but two weeks in and none of that has happened.

The truth of the matter is, I’m a little scared.  I talk a GREAT game, but really, who wants to be unemployed.  As frustrating as my job became, there is still something to be said for having somewhere to go everyday and, more importantly, something to do…. and that is what leads to the disappointment.   I set some rules for myself.  No sleeping in past 10am (generous, i know), no tv until the time I would normally get home from work… but things still feel… off.  I feel unproductive and I hate it. 

As badly as i feel i “need” this time off, I don’t think I’m cut out for it.  I like having something to do.  I like having a purpose… and right now i feel absolutely purposeless (is that a word?)  More than anything I don’t want to look back on this period of time and wind up shaking my head at myself.  I want to feel like i accomplished something… came up with a recipe, exercised like i had planned… SOMETHING.

I definitely need to do better, because *this* isn’t working for me… AT ALL. 

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