The past few weeks have been a whirlwind. April 24th I left my job, May 1st I got married, and last night I took my final law school exam. For all intents and purposes I am a law school graduate. Wow. I’m not really sure what to make of all of it. 5 years ago i was making plans to start law school, but i was in a much different place. But in that 5 years I managed to turn my life completely around and find happiness, complete what I started, and to become a nicer, happier person. There were some definite ups and downs along the way, but as far as I’m concerned, I made it and I plan to enjoy every single second of the joy these accomplishments have brought me.
May
03
To say I’ve been MIA is an understatement. I would have loved to be around a bit more but the truth is, I had entirely too much on my plate. Between finishing up with school, ALR stuff, quitting the job, and everything else, shit has just been HECTIC. At any rate, here I am… done with ALR, unemployed, done with law school (except for my Computer Crimes exam), and married. You couldn’t have paid me to believe this is where i’d be in 2009.
The wedding was amazing. Somehow, we managed to meld our personalities and create an event that was fun, exciting, tasteful, and a true representation of who we are. One thing we decided early on was to include as many of our friends as possible, not just by putting them on the guest list, but by finding ways to make them a part of the wedding.
With that in mind, we had our friend George design the invitation. Music is a huge deal to us, so we decided to make our invitations look like records. George “borrowed” the Pete Rock and CL Smooth “logo” and put our faces in the middle. For the colors we went with red, black and green to pay tribute to ATCQ’s “Midnight Marauders” album. Besides giving information, we wanted the invitation to give everyone an idea what to expect. It was our way of saying “this isn’t going to be your ordinary wedding… we’re having a party.”
The next step for us was finding a location that suited us and represented our personalities. We looked at a few more traditional venues, but settled on Top of the Town in Arlington. ToTT sits 12 stories up, on top of an apartment building in Rosslyn. To take advantage of the location it has huge panoramic windows facing DC, providing a beautiful view of the city. When I saw the location, I knew I wanted it. Both he and I are from DC, and it was a great way to bring our city into the mix. Out-of-town guests and locals alike could marvel at the monuments and look out on where we grew up. A bonus that we didn’t even consider happened shortly after we began dancing at the reception. The Washington Nationals had scheduled fireworks for that night, and so our guests were treated to an unexpected impromptu fireworks display. Although several folks took credit for it, that was truly just the luck of the draw.
Now while all this was going on, I also decided that I wanted to do something to surprise Brian. I wanted to give him something that he wasn’t expecting, but that would be very special to both of us… enter Charm City Cakes. I watch A LOT of FoodNetwork. Like… hours worth. One of my favorite shows is Ace of Cakes which focuses on a bakery in Baltimore that makes the most amazing cakes EVER. As SOON as we set a date, I emailed them to reserve the date for the cake. My idea was fairly simple: his MPC 3000, my law review book, and us standing on top with my cat nearby. I was so scared that something was going to happen and they’d say no, but Mary Alice quickly got back to me and said things were on, I paid the deposit and realized that it was really going to happen. I remembered from watching the show that one thing that makes the process difficult is when there’s only one shot of the object being recreated, with that in mind, I set out to take like a million pictures of his MPC, because the more photos I could get, the more details they could include. I added pics of me in my “Gangsta Mittens” hoodie, him in one of his favorite hats, and Fishbone our cat.
Now I knew what I had asked for, but I was NOT ready for what I saw when I went to pick the cake up. Not only did they capture a ridiculous amount of detail, they captured us and Fishbone; Brian’s hat was perfect, my hair, hoodie, and earrings were on point, and the MPC and Administrative Law Review book were outstanding.
Another thing we thought about was what we wanted to give to our guests. A cd was a bit of a no-brainer. But we didn’t want to just burn some cds on the laptop and hand them out in little plastic cases. We wanted it to be “official” so we went to friend well again to tap another resource. Our friend Frank actually did the artwork for the album that I considered to be the best album of 2004, so I went to him when it came time to design the cd. Although this was “our” day, I wanted to give Frank as much leeway as possible in designing the cd, so I sent him off to essentially do whatever he wanted, with one caveat – this was not some stuffy wedding cd, it was hip hop. What he came up with surpassed my expectations. Towards the end I asked him to change a couple of things and got kinda nitpicky, but the end result was worth it.
As important as the artwork on the cd was, the music on the cd was equally important. We reached out to another friend, and talented DJ for this task. My first interaction with Cuzzin B was at our friend Vickey’s birthday party. I walked in and asked him to play a Tanya Morgan song, not only did he know who Tanya Morgan was, he had the song available AND played it for me. He’s been my favorite ever since. Hell I even helped* him DJ the NYE party at Liv (by “helped” i mean, he had to run somewhere and asked me to push a button if he didn’t make it back in time – he made it back in time, but i was ready). In addition to Cuzzin B mixing the cd, we also asked a few of our favorite rappers to record an original song for the cd. BJ made the beat, and Donwill, Von Pea and Sekani did the verses. I LOVE how the song came out. It’s great to have a song that we can say is ours, and even better to have three people that we know and respect to go to to ask to lay down verses for the song.
In addition to the surprise cake, we also had a more traditional cake. It was a simple with cake with pink gum paste flowers. It was adorned with green Adinkra symbols representing love, faithfulness, and harmony; faith and trust in God; love, safety and security; wisdom, knowledge and prudence; and the power of love. The idea behind that cake was not only to be the “traditional” cake, but to symbolize things that are important to us in life; both in our present lives and in our future lives together.
Ok ok, I promise I’m wrapping this up. BJ and I also wanted to share a but of ourselves with our guests. We set out to take photographs of DC landmarks to use in place of table numbers. We were a bit overambitious with this endeavor though, so while we were able to capture many landmarks, we also sprinkled in some of our favorite photos as well.
The final thing that I insisted on was not having anything that was just pointless sitting around after the wedding. One thing I’ve ALWAYS hated is the guestbook. Some people just sign their name, others give an address… it’s just always soooo dry. To get around this, we went with a photo guest book. We gave guests a Polaroid camera, some colorful pens, and let them go for it, the result is two books of photos and well wishes that we can actually keep and look back on for years to come.
I honestly cannot believe how well everything came out. Planning ahead and starting early definitely made the process somewhat less stressful, and since there was so much that I enjoyed doing, it made it less of a chore. We didn’t bow to outside forces and I found that more often than not people assumed that my natural nonchalant attitude was stress. I’m not going to pretend that I wasn’t overwhelmed at times, but overall I enjoyed the process, and, most importantly, the wedding day itself. There were DEFINITELY issues, but I think I took it in stride and kept it moving to enjoy my day. ok ok.. now… pictures!!
Apr
05
Sometimes I REALLY wish I could sleep past 8:30am.
Last night was our pre-wedding party. Good old Emily decided to put together a little party for Brian and I. To say that Emily is excited about this wedding is truly an understatement. I admit that I was a bit hesitant about the whole thing. I’m really not one who enjoys being fussed over. It’s just not my thing. So i tried to lie my way out of having this thing. I’m glad Emily insisted. Last night wasn’t about being the center of attention. It was about getting to spend time with the people who will be a part of our future. It meant a lot to me and i’m glad that my bridesmaids didn’t listen to me
Mar
24
Today I quit my job. Or rather I gave my notice. Just 3 days short of my 4 year anniversary with this job… I’m leaving.
I’m happy about it, but nervous as hell. I know that I need to focus on studying for the bar exam because i REFUSE to take it a second time. But damn if this ain’t a hard thing to do. I can’t lie, i don’t love the company like i used to. I’m not a fan of the way things are now…. but it’s music-related… and i LOVE being close to the music. I’m sure I’ll still keep in touch with the folks that i’m cool with, but it won’t be the same. Hell I won’t have the free accounts anymore… but the thing I’ll miss most is being around so many people who are passionate about the same thing I am. that’s the hard part.
But I need this. I need to grow. I need to jump without a safety net so that I’ll know what can happen. I know I’ll be fine. I know I’ll find something better and move on with my life. But it’s scary as hell right now. Wish me luck
Mar
12
*sigh*
I hate that I tend to sigh before I write… that’s not how i ever wanted to feel about writing. I wanted to approach my writing with enthusiasm, but the truth of the matter is, some topics are not happy topics and some things are more difficult to write about than others, this would be one of those times.
Backstory: Grammy weekend, after leaving a party at the Beverly Hilton (which is ironically where we happened to be staying), Chris Brown and Rihanna get into it on the way home or elsewhere and essentially he beats her ass. A month later they’re back together (or something like that) and everyone is an expert on domestic violence. She must have done something to provoke him, he should be castrated, she’s an idiot if she goes back to him, he’s gonna hit her again. Radio stations won’t play his music anymore. Add that to the plethora of off-color jokes about the situation and the whole thing has turned into a month long headache for me.
Yes, me.
In 1994 I, unknowingly, entered into an abusive relationship. At the time dude was the nicest, sweetest person. We laughed, liked a lot of the same shit… we had fun together. Now I should mention that i come from a long line of family members and friends who have always say things like “if a man ever put his hands on me i’m out”. Like it was just never a question that that was something I wasn’t standing for.
I remember the first time he ever hit me. Dude had a temper, and it was most often sparked by what he felt to be a lack of respect. We were talking about something and I hit him, open hand, playfully, on his leg. He responded with a punch that left a huge bruise. Now… I know what many would say and think about this situation. I hit him, he hit me back. Case closed.
By the time that incident occured, unbeknownst to me, he had already started abusing me mentally and emotionally. Cheating on me and then, when my friends would tell me about it, convincing me that he wasn’t. Alienating me. Making me feel like I needed him to be something. Half of my friends hated him, the other half thought he was a saint. Needless to say, I couldn’t turn to any of those people when things went crazy.
The day he punched me, I should have walked away. I mean, yes i hit him. Hell maybe i even hit him harder than i thought. Maybe he didn’t take it as a “playful” hit. But the reality was, what he did to me was disproportionate to what I did to him and it was a clear sign of what was to come.
The next incident that sticks out was when he was driving me (in my car) to a job interview. I’m not sure what we were discussing but clearly I said something to set him off because the next thing i know he grabbed me by my hair and started banging my head on the dashboard, next thing i know he stopped the car and dragged me out kick me some more. At this point I suppose i’m that stupid chick that went back to the dude that was whooping her ass. I mean only an idiot would do this. But in my mind, this was all my fault. I should have kept my mouth shut. I knew that things that i said would set him off… so clearly I needed to work on me….
Over the next couple of years there was more punching, choking, guns pointed at my head. One night he choked me until i passed out on the floor… that was the last night really. When i came to I saw him sitting on the bed with a gun in his mouth… praying. I could still barely breathe.. and to be honest, I wasn’t really sure I was seeing what i thought i was seeing. I remember literally dragging myself across that floor… arms bruised… chest tight… shaking… i begged… pleaded with him not to hurt himself. Finally got the gun away from him, put him in a car and drove him to the psych ward of the hospital. After i dropped him off, I drove home… home as in DC home… from Hampton… no clothes. no identification. just left. It was 2 months before i went back down there.
Somewhere along that tumultuous 2 yr period he started smoking weed laced with crack. I watched him beat up his daughter’s mother, I watched him steal from me and almost ended up in jail as a result. I can’t count the times I almost got shot fucking with that dude. Had my dog stolen at gunpoint by some dudes who were trying to get back at him.
Despite everything that happened, the most interesting thing to me is how I got sucked into the downward spiral that was that relationship. The person that I became was almost as dispicable as the person he was. I’ve never been into weed so I definitely wasn’t sitting around smoking laced blunts or anything like that, but during that time i became an extremely violent person. I would watch him sleep some nights, trying to get the courage to kill him… i didn’t know how else to get out of the relationship. That was the lowest point for me… and the reason i think i woke up when i did after he choked me.
The person that I had become was so far out of character for me. I needed to come back. I’m not sure what I would have felt if i had waken up to find him dead. Relief? Happiness? More blaming myself? Who knows… but at least i knew i did the right thing in the end.
I don’t know what went on with Chris and Rihanna prior to the night in that car. Hell I don’t know what went on in the car. I know what the police report says. I know that she sustained several injuries and he walked away relatively unscathed. I also know that she’s back with him now. I’ve been there. The smart girl with so much going for her. Why would she go back to someone so abusive? She deserves what she gets from here on out for being so stupid. Friends think they’re helping by alienating you. If you go back to him i can’t support you… only pushes you closer to the abuser. You feel like an idiot. You feel like it’s your fault. People whisper about you… talk about you behind your back. People blame you if he’s being treated badly or they blame you for letting him treat you that way. It’s a no win situation for the victim.
The reality is, they likely both need help. Especially if they’re both at the point where they feel like violence is the only option. Whether it’s her hitting him or him hitting her. They’re both wrong, and i sincerely hope they both get help.
My ex eventually went to jail for a shooting that he committed with a gun that he initially asked me to buy. When i refused he had his other chick (who clearly loved him more than i did) buy it for him. He came home and continued to smoke crack. When I went back to Hampton in 1999 to finish school, I made it a point to go see him. I wanted him to know that I hated him for the person he made me, but that I forgave him for it. He was high when I told him and said he really didn’t understand why i was so mad. It was pretty much what I expected from him. The truth is, I wasn’t saying those words for him, I was saying it for myself. I said what I needed to say and got it off my chest. I was lucky enough to move on. A lot of women don’t make it that far.
Gangsta Mittens 