Today was a bad day. Like a for real for real bad day. Honestly and truthfully, I just want to be something in life. That probably seems pretty simplistic…. but that sums it all up. I want to do something that makes me happy… something that makes me proud of myself, but i don’t ever seem to have enough time to do it
I don’t when I became such a big fan of quiet and solitude. I mean you’re talking about a woman who went clubbing 2 – 4 times a week… to dance and drink and be generally “social”… and yet, even then i wanted to be in the background. I like to be a part of the scene, in the middle of something, a part of something… but not too much. At Hampton, I wanted to work at the radio station, but didn’t want to be on air. That kind of sums me up: I want to be in it… but not really in the forefront. But, I want that recognition. I want people to know I’m awesome, without ever having to be the one to tell them.
We live in such a me, me, me society. It makes me sick to my stomach sometimes to watch people shamelessly promote themselves. I could never see myself being that person. But I do want to be the person that gets mentioned right after… “… you know there’s one person i’d like to thank for being such an [adjective] person… i couldn’t have done it without [insert my name here].” and then that can be it… i don’t need to come up and make a speech, don’t need the spotlight to wander over to where i’m sitting… don’t need a cash award (though that would be nice)… i just want other people to know, and occasionally tell a friend that I’m pretty ok.
And even after I type that, i don’t even know why that’s important. I don’t even know why that matters so much to me. I guess a lot of ways i just feel overlooked. Maybe it’s because i prefer the shadows, or maybe i stay in the shadows so i can throw a pity party for myself when I’m not acknowledged… honestly i don’t know. What I do know is that I get so shocked when someone tells me something good about myself… especially when it’s particularly random. Sometimes compliments are directed at me and people deliver them so matter-of-factly that I can’t help but think maybe these are things that I should know… and yet, it’s always a surprise to me.
But no matter how bad today was, I still finished my studying. I still went to class and participated. I still got up and did everything i was supposed to do today and came home and made myself dinner. I hate that I’m at a point where the mundane has to be an accomplishment, but i guess until i get a good day or 6 under my belt, this will have to do.
Gangsta Mittens 