Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

When I first started plotting to escape DC for another summer, my dad was sick. Sick like he needed help to get around… sick like he needed to take medication… He’s past that now… i mean he’s sicker than that. Unable to eat, speak, walk, open his eyes… and here I am, thousands of miles away. Checking in every hour or so… trying not to be a burden on my mom… trying not to drive myself crazy. Trying to just keep pushing thru like he would want me to. But it’s hard. It’s hard being so far away. It’s hard knowing that “the call” could come at any minute. It’s hard hurting and feeling so isolated. And it’s tiring… and frustrating… and confusing.. and everything else. But mostly it’s just hard. Sometimes I don’t wanna be strong. Sometimes I just wanna cry… and let it out. But I don’t have that option. I mean i do… but i really don’t.

I’m rambling… I don’t really even know how to say all that I want to say. I’m living a life full of regrets and there doesn’t seem to be a light at the end of that tunnel. Just more regrets. I look at my dad and my mom and their lives and the sacrifices they made for us… and the joy it brought them… and i’m thankful… and grateful… so grateful. I had so much I wanted to do and show my dad… so many things that I wanted him to know that he wouldn’t have to worry about… but… regrets. I’m tired of regrets. I’m tired of being at the mercy of someone else. Tired of living my life on someone else’s terms. Tired of feeling like a hassle…a burden… and all that other stuff. Just really really tired… It’s hard yo… for real.

Today one of my good friends got married and I was once again reminded how stressful weddings can be. Honestly her wedding wasn’t too bad but she was doing wayyyy more coordinating than she should have been. Either way she was a beautiful bride, her husband and his friends were absolute hams and a good time was had by most. I say most because I’m sure that SOMEONE out there had a bad time for some reason so I’m trying my best to be accommodating.

At any rate, the wedding plus fatigue plus life in general caused me to rapidly spin into an downward spiral of sadness, anxiety and frustration. All I know right now is that I don’t want to go back to san francisco… i mean of course i do… but i don’t. I jsut wanna spend a couple of seconds/minutes/hours/days laying in his arms and feeling the soft kisses on my forehead. *sigh* pay me no mind, it’s just hard being away from… oh bah whatever… you know where that’s going…

Back to the wedding. So weddings in general make me fairly emotional, but I managed to avoid the crying thing… until the reception… the father/daughter dance to be exact. I couldn’t help but think about my dad… and how i’d never have that opportunity with him. it was a painfully sobering moment for me and led me to think about 2 million other things… the result? puffy red eyes and sadness.

I’m working on being strong though. I do what I can but sometimes i just want to be angry and sad and hurt. Not because I want to dwell on those feelings, but because I think that what I’m feeling is ok and I don’t want to stifle any of that.

I think i’ve rambled on enough time for bed.

So I’m rapidly approaching the end of my second week in San Francisco (i leave tomorrow night to head to DC for the weekend so this week is pretty much done). I’ve gotten fairly acquainted with the bus system and the major stuff I need to survive. What I haven’t managed to get straight on is the food situation. I have two roommates… they’re both nice enough. But one is a bit messy. I’m just not comfortable cooking in a stranger’s kitchen. My trip home will include snagging a knife, fork and spoon (do you have any clue how anal I am about eating off of foreign silverware (outside of restaurants)?). I may also invest in a cup and a mug. and by invest i mean “pack in my suitcase…

I clearly can’t keep spending money like it’s water because I really am on a limited budget and it’d be nice to have some money left at the end of the summer. Unemployment is a bitch.

So as I mentioned i’ll be home this weekend. A good friend of mine is getting married (to a guy i set her up with). I’m really excited for her. I just hate the amount of running around i’ll be doing. But she’s worth it and that’s what matters.

I’m feeling a bit tired today. I think the computer screen is hurting my eyes or something. I just can’t wait to watch tv this weekend.