Cuz i’m certainly not doing too well these days. I was talking to a friend the other day about fear and insecurity. And about how angry I am sometimes but mostly how i hate trying to be the person that other people expect me to be.
I read a page in an Ilyana Vanzant book once (yes, i could only make it thru one page) and she was talking about how when you change you’ll meet a lot of opposition from selfish people. I believe that. Hell, I’ve seen that. But the fact is that no matter how supportive people are of me and all of my many changes, there’s just certain behavior that I’m not free to exhibit.
People see me as “strong” and “smart”. That’s flattering, but not always true. Sometimes I’m very weak and when I exhibit that flaw/insecurity people end up hurt, confused, mad, etc. I’m also dumb as fuck sometimes. I do dumb shit. Instead of being able to tell myself, it’s ok, it happens. I feel ashamed, embarrassed etc and again i feel like a general disappointment.
I don’t think there is any feeling worse than feeling like a failure. No matter what aspect of my life the feeling involves, nothing brings me down faster than that. And I’m feeling like a failure more and more frequently.
I’m tired of being angry. That shit is taxing on me and those around me. I need to learn a little patience and to better communicate when I’m upset/tired/frustrated. Lashing out is getting old fast and i need a better remedy.
Gangsta Mittens 