*insert long sigh here*
After a bit of a hiatus, the nightmares have returned. I hate how they always sneak up on me without warning. To make life *that* much more interesting, they’ve brought along a good friend: sleep paralysis.
When i first started having the nightmares, the scariest part was always the paralysis. It’s one thing to be in a dream and come out of it, but instead of the comfort that comes along with realizing you’re awake and safe, i open my eyes and see things around me, and yet i’m powerless to move or speak or anything. It’s weird because when i’m in the middle of that transition i feel my body freeing up in the dream and it makes me struggle/fight/thrash that much harder to wake myself. Sometimes i can do it by repeatedly shaking my head side to side and telling myself to wake up… other times i flail all my limbs as hard as I can. No matter how often it happens, i always think that i’m dead… ALWAYS. It’s probably the craziest thing ever, but i lay there and i think “oh shit, it’s over”… then i’m like “naw fuck that” and start moving around in hopes of waking up.
The result of the nightmares and the thrashing are of course utter exhaustion.
Last night there were two dreams. The one i remember involved me and the exhusband going to 7-11. He got out of the car but left the back driver side door open. The whole time i was sitting in the car thinking “why would he leave that open it isn’t safe?” Sure enough before he could get back to the car two guys get in and tell me they’re going to rape and kill me… this is of course where the paralysis kicks in. I had enough presence of mind to know that i was dreaming and that i wanted to wake up… but the paralysis and consequently having to essentially endure the dream without being able to fight back was upsetting to say the least. The result was me waking myself up by kicking and flailing.
The second dream didn’t involve the paralysis but it was unsettling all the same. I was walking thru various parts of DC alone and i noticed that everywhere i went there was a guy walking up behind people and stabbing them in the back. Then he’d just walk off like nothing happened. When i finally turned on one street near where i had gone to elementary and high school i realized that he was behind me and that there was no one else on the street. I immediately picked up the pace and headed to my high school because i know that there’s a guard at the gate and i figured it was safe. When i got to the guard, I told him what was going on but, of course he didn’t see the guy. Realizing that the guard couldn’t help me i ran up the street and came across this weird tunnel that lead to the monastery that was near my highschool. I crawled in the tunnel and waited. The guy never showed up but a priest did. I told him what happened and he did some sort of magic spell that closed off the tunnel so there was no way the guy could get to me. The guy never showed up at the tunnel though.
So… ok… dream 1. Clearly i have some feelings of betrayal by men. I don’t know if the ex represents himself or men in general but that dream was all about a man who i expected to protect me not doing his job to keep me safe and consequently i wound up very hurt by that negligence. Dream 2… i dunno i think maybe i need to go to church. I was running from death essentially and i ran to the last two places that represent religion to me. I sought safety inside the gates of a place i consider religious, went to a monestary for help and was ultimately helped/protected by a magical priest… ummm… ok. So i suppose that means that i’m looking for some sort of spiritual fulfillment to help me deal with my fear surrounding death?
All i know is, I have some shit i’m trying to deal with, sleep paralysis can be exacerbated by ADD medication and stress (ie my life) and I’m sleepy.
Gangsta Mittens 