Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

I had been waiting for my job to come to an end.  I was managing a grant and when grant funding ends, so do the jobs associated with it.  I thought that maybe I would be kept on… well i believed i would be kept because that’s what I was told… but i guess that wasn’t to be because they hired a new me and now, i’m unemployed. 

There’s actually no love lost about it… I’ve needed this kick in the ass for awhile now, but the newest question for me is, “So what now?”

While i was waiting to be let go I formulated all of these plans for what I would do when i finally got let go.  I had dreams of traveling (a month in Paris to be exact).  I had plans to follow my dreams… study for the CA Bar Exam, paint, write, etc.  but two weeks in and none of that has happened.

The truth of the matter is, I’m a little scared.  I talk a GREAT game, but really, who wants to be unemployed.  As frustrating as my job became, there is still something to be said for having somewhere to go everyday and, more importantly, something to do…. and that is what leads to the disappointment.   I set some rules for myself.  No sleeping in past 10am (generous, i know), no tv until the time I would normally get home from work… but things still feel… off.  I feel unproductive and I hate it. 

As badly as i feel i “need” this time off, I don’t think I’m cut out for it.  I like having something to do.  I like having a purpose… and right now i feel absolutely purposeless (is that a word?)  More than anything I don’t want to look back on this period of time and wind up shaking my head at myself.  I want to feel like i accomplished something… came up with a recipe, exercised like i had planned… SOMETHING.

I definitely need to do better, because *this* isn’t working for me… AT ALL. 

A good friend shared some music with me…

Back in college I wanted to be a psychology major…. I had dreams of making a difference in people’s lives by being there to listen and then helping them find their way.  Early in the game a professor pointed out that i get too involved to be able to step away from my work.  She didn’t say it to discourage me, but rather to help me to see some of the issues/obstacles i would face in my chosen profession.  It was around that time that i decided that perhaps being in public relations was a better fit…

A good friend shared some music with me…

The thing I’ve always loved about music is how it can capture a mood and put you in another world… it bring you up… it can bring you down… but when the creator of the music is honest about what he is feeling when he makes a song, you cannot help but to take that ride with them… to feel their joy or to feel the intense sting of their pain.

A good friend shared some music with me…

And it is the most painfully beautiful thing that i have ever experienced.  To hear emotions so intensely… to be a part of someone’s pain and hurt… to feel the same feeling of helplessness that is poured into some of the most beautiful music I have ever experienced… I find myself torn between trying to determine how I am so blessed to be surrounded by such talent and holding back tears for all the pain that was endured to create something so painfully beautiful.

I’ve been given free reign to ask as many questions about the music as i care to… but it doesn’t seem right… Listening to the music is such a journey into the mind of an artist… but to ask questions seems almost too intrusive… too imposing… and yet my mind races with questions about the creative process… but the question that lingers is how does something so beautiful come from so much hurt?  Some songs I know i won’t be able to listen to a second time… others haunt me…

A good friend shared some music with me…

and i am so grateful for the opportunity to listen… and to hear… and to experience it. 

I’m honestly not sure why I tend to stray away from this blog so much.  Part of the excitement of blogging for me is the idea that anyone in the world, whether they know me or not, can take a peek into the mundane and (often) boring place that is my life and perhaps find a bit of joy in the fact that they are going thru the same thing as SOMEONE else.  But lately, the “need” to blog has resurfaced so why not go ahead and tap back in.

In recent conversations with a really good friend, I realized that some fairly significant memories are missing for me.  Things that i recognize as crucial to who I am today I am simply unable to recall.  I understand why i have shut out certain memories so I’ve decided against trying hypnotherapy (seriously… the thought passed through my mind).  But at the same time, i really do enjoy having something to look back on to refresh my memories and to know what i was feeling about whatever was going on at the time.

One of my biggest fears is not being remembered when I’m gone.  I know people care about me and love me and all of that jazz, and i don’t *plan* to go anywhere.  BUT, perhaps because of my own personality, I often find myself fading into the background and avoiding recognition/acknowledgement… so how do i turn around and get upset when people don’t know me?  I’ve been trying to accept the life of an introvert.  It’s a task made infinitely worse by my well-meaning raging extrovert husband.

Some days I want to be bothered… other days I could sit in a room by myself quietly and be completely content.  That being said, there is never anything worse than being told to just man up and do XYZ, as if extrovertism (is that a word) is the only way to be.  I feel sorry for those that aren’t comfortable sitting around with their own thoughts or who can’t step back long enough to take everything in… there are benefits both to being in the center of things and sitting on the sidelines.  I’m not saying everyone has to do it my way, but it’d be great to just be made to feel like at least my thoughts/ways of doing things were “acceptable”.

It’s something i’ve never been good at.  I was the kid that cried at the end of the school year, because i wouldn’t see my friends all summer.  i hated the end of summer camp because i wouldn’t get to see the kids i’d known for 2 weeks any more.  I cried when tv shows I liked went off the air.  Cried at the end of a concert or two.  I say all this to say that loss and goodbyes really aren’t my thing.

As I’ve gotten older, and struggled to shed the “cry baby” nickname that i (rightfully) earned in my childhood, i learned to build walls to shield myself from my own emotions that often betray me.  The rationale was that if i didn’t let people in, they couldn’t hurt me.  I’ve used that tactic over the last 25 years or so, with varying levels of success.

But every now and then, someone slips in.  Someone gets close enough for me to genuinely care about them… and that’s what happened with my brother kenan.  To be fair, I hated him at first.  Thought he was arrogant, mean-spirited… and some other negative adjectives.  But as time went by, i realized that he was only half the asshole i originally thought he was (trust me that’s a compliment). 

As BJ will tell you, left to my own devices, I would be a hermit.  I’m not necessarily opposed to leaving the house, but the idea of trying to rustle up some folks to hang out with while i’m out TERRIFIES me.  So, i’d rather just stay in.  In the last three years or so, there is only one person who i have ever reached out to to hang out.  Kenan.  We never kicked it as often as i would like, but i always looked forward to seeing him.  We disagree on a lot of stuff (or at least he pretends to to piss me off), but truth be told, he’s one of my most favorite people.  And he’s leaving.

He’s one of the smartest people i know, so I’m not surprised about his business opportunity out west… but damned if it doesn’t hurt like hell.  I know we’ll keep in touch, and we’ll visit and hang out with him.  But there’s still a loss… a hole that’s gonna be left and likely won’t be filled.  I wish him the best though.  And i’ll try not to cry at the going away party… but he will be missed.

He will definitely be missed. 

In just a few hours I’ll be heading to San Francisco for a few days of vacation.  As much as I love these trips it always stirs up so much confusion for me.  90% of the time I have a “why am i still living in DC” moment.  Ever since I was younger I wanted to get away from DC.  I always found it to be depressing here.  Despite all of the opportunities and (recently) the things to do here, I still feel like i need to get out and do something different.  Now, here i am rapidly approaching 40 and just still feeling completely lost as to where I am supposed to be and what i’m supposed to be doing.   The hardest thing about being a child of older parents is the inevitable sense of obligation that I feel to stay close by  many times i have deferred my own dreams to stay close to make sure that everything is ok.  At some point i need to take that leap of faith and just go.  I’m thinking that next year might just be that time. I know i’ve said that before, but as i head “home” today, I know that i am in desperate need of a change.  I need to grow… and, for now, i think i’ve grown all i can here.