Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

May
21

10 19 46 51

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10: The number of days until I see an old friend again. That’s like the official kickoff to my summer of greatness. After I hug her to death I plan to spend the rest of the weekend laffing like a fool and relaxing

19: The number of days until we leave for Jamaica. Man… if ever i needed a vacation… I hope to spend the majority of that trip laying next to someone’s beach, sipping some sort of alcoholic beverage and relaxing.

46: The number of days until my trip to the MLB All Star week festivities. Never been to something like this and i’m really looking forward to it. Although I try to hide my baseball enthusiast side, I’m extremely excited to be going to this event. Hopefully i’ll get to meet some folks and finally enjoy some perks of the job.

51: That’s the number of days until my leave of absence and subsequent cross-country drive. I have like a MILLION things to do before then so I really need to focus. I think that by the end of this week I’m going to do one last budget and then start tying up the loose ends… new tires, dentist appointment, Fishbone’s trip to the vet, etc. I have a lot to do and it’s about to get real hectic. I need to get on the ball before I find myself completely out of time.

It’s nice to be this happy and excited after being so unhappy for so long.

Categorized in Friendship, Jamaica, Life, San Francisco and Vacation

May
20

Graduation Season

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Yesterday my niece graduated from college. Saying i’m “proud” of her doesn’t even begin to express how i felt yesterday. Seeing her walk across that stage as she graduated cum laude made me reminisce on how far she’s come since she started college four years ago. Over the past four years she’s gone from the insecure, immature high school senior to the self-assured, confident woman that i saw yesterday.

Amidst the joy i felt for her, I couldn’t help but feel a bit saddened at the fact that I wasn’t sharing in that joy this weekend too. Today should have been my graduation. Well no… if i had stayed a full time student and not taken a leave of absence I would have graduated today. I have mixed emotions about the whole thing to be honest. I know that the path i took was a necessary one, and i know that I have learned many lessons as a result… but at the same time, i’m ready to reach the end of that journey. All i can do is be patient and enjoy what i have. My time will come… yeah… i just keep tellin myself that.

Categorized in Family, Law School and Life

May
17

Nerves

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I am afraid of most things. The short list includes:
– failure
– success
– being alone
– being around people
– being smart
– not being smart enough
– responsibility
– change
– being stagnant

I could go on but i know you get the idea.

In about 2 weeks my life is going to start moving at a very rapid rate. Between travel, work, school, and having company, I am about to be surrounded by a whirlwind of activity. The *smart* thing to do would be to use this time leading up to that to take care of the other things that need to get done and to prepare so that I am not stressed during that time… well, I don’t like to do the smart thing. I’m letting too much stuff slide and it needs to stop. It’s just been so long since i’ve been able to go home and just veg out without some “to do” list hanging over my head. And so, rather than use the time to get ahead… I relax.

My thing is, i am an AMAZING planner. My excution, however, is non-existent. That is going to change before December. That’s one of the bad habits i need to break. Until I can learn to just do things on my own, I am loading up my Treo and setting daily “goals” for myself to get things done. I know that I can accomplish a ton of shit when i focus, the key is learning to focus.

Categorized in Goals and Growth

May
15

Purging

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I have a ton of stuff i need to get rid of.
On my first pass I got rid of people. I shaved approximately 70 people off my buddy lists. I collect people and I need to stop. There are a lot of folks that I talk to just because. Folks that I know don’t like me, folks that i don’t like. I just talk to them because i feel like it’s the “right” thing to do. But it’s not. I’m tired of pretending to like people and having them pretend to like me. Not everyone that got the axe off of the buddy list is an “enemy.” Some folks I just don’t like talking to. Yes, there’s a difference between being an enemy and my not enjoying your conversation. Some folks i hadn’t spoken to in AGES. Some folks I didn’t even know who they were. But yeah… i cut a bunch of folks and really, outside of work, i’m trying to ween myself off of IM anyway. I give far too much access to folks with little to no return.

The next thing i need to purge is fat. I’ve got wayyyyy too much of that and i need to let a bunch of it go. That’s probably gonna be the hardest thing because i’m not really one for exercising…. i’m working on it though (25 days til Jamaica :-\)

I’m also going to have to purge papers. I’m a packrat in training and I need to stop. My mom got a keepsake box from a friend for Mother’s Day. I need to get something similar since i like to hang on to ticket stubbs and everything else. But the excess papers need to go. I have NEVER gone back to look at my notes from a class EVER… so why keep them? I’ll keep the text books, but the notes? Nope… they gotta go.

The last thing on the current purge list is just all my bad habits. I need to get a lot of my destructive behavior under control because the self sabotoging isn’t cute… at. all. I think i’m going to pick one or two to focus on and start moving forward. I’m so tired of being stagnant that it isn’t even funny.

Categorized in Goals, Growth, Jamaica and Weight

May
13

When "sorry" isn’t enough

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Sometimes “sorry” doesn’t cut it. I mean sometimes it isn’t enough to say “I’m sorry.” The thing about “sorry” is that the person you say it to doesn’t have to accept it and even if they chose to forgive, they don’t have to forget. I’m scared that my “sorry” won’t be enough this time.

Knowing that I have hurt someone I care about hurts… and that’s putting it mildly. Seeing tears fall from that person’s eyes makes me physically ill… and all i could do is say “i’m sorry.” I couldn’t even begin to put into words how much that angers me. I would do anything to be able to reverse those actions and protect the feelings that i so recklessly trampled on… but i can’t. All i can say is two words that really don’t mean shit. Unfortunately, at this point, I am at a loss. I mean what more can i do? There aren’t enough words… there aren’t enough ways to express sorry and so, i have to just accept what i did. I have to accept the feeling of complete helplessness and the fact that i can never again make that right.

The thing that hurts the most though is that, i might not ever be able to overcome this. The hurt that lead me to act so foolishly is something i am forced to deal with. That hurt has dulled somewhat, but it’s still there. I’m mostly angry… angry that i did something so stupid, angry that i let myself get angry enough to behave so foolishly and angry that i am so helpless to do anything to fix this mess.

I need to find a way to forgive myself for this. From there all i can do is hope and pray that i will be forgiven and that “i’m sorry” can at least be enough to start the healing process.

Categorized in Growth, Life, Love and Trust

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