Gangsta Mittens
Words combined to express thoughts. Pictures displayed to convey emotion. Opening my brain to the world.

Apr
13

*Exhales*

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A little over three weeks ago I handed in my entry for the annual short write on competition at my school. As I handed it in, I knew that I had done my absolute best. I had written, edited, revised, rewritten, edited and revised some more. It was honestly my best effort. Today, at 2pm, I got a call that I had been selected for the Administrative Law Review. That’s a pretty big deal and I am extremely happy.

When I tried to do this competition before during my first year of school, I didn’t make it past the first day. I tried to read the materials, couldn’t get focused, couldn’t get organized, and just quit. What a difference a couple of years makes. The sense of accomplishment that is associated with this for me is AMAZING. Even though I spent the early part of the day completely freaked out about not making it, I still knew that I had given 100%.

The accomplishment is still a bit bittersweet (aren’t they always). My grades are still a little low and could possibly limit my opportunities. But this has shown me what I’m capable of. I spend so much time looking around at the other students and trying to figure out where I fit in. Truth is, I’m right up there with them.

Categorized in Goals, Growth, Life and school

Apr
12

The Sun’ll Come Out Tomorrow

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When I was little my parents took me to see Annie. I LOVED everything about Annie. I knew all the songs, the choreography… EVERYTHING. So that day was a special day for me. My mom bought me a new dress (red of course) and tights, and the SHINIEST white patent leather shoes you have EVER seen. I got my hair pressed and did my best to sit extra still so that she could get my hair *just* right. My parents even presented me with an Annie doll as we listened to the soundtrack 8-track on the way to the theatre. As I clicked clacked in my shoes all the way thru the theatre to take our seats, I remember being so overwhelmed with joy. The ONLY thing that would make it more perfect is if my mom would just let me have a peppermint (i was a kid, it didn’t take much, ok?)

As the houselights dimmed for the first Act, i whispered loudly to my mom, ‘CAN I PLEASE HAVE A PEPPERMINT?’ She shushed me as the spotlight started to come up… So i whispered a little louder… my dad gave me that stern look. I don’t know what crossed my mind but i just knew that if i didn’t get that peppermint soon everything would be ruined… so… I yelled… loudly… I SAID I WANT A PEPPERMINT. I don’t really think i got the whole phrase out before my dad had scooped me up and escorted me out of the theatre… Those tights did nothing to protect my little legs from the spanking i got. I spent the whole first half of the play out in the lobby sobbing and trying to compose myself.

We went back in during intermission. I was quiet. All the crying wore me out… and so i slept thru the second half. My parents woke me up as the cast was leaving the stage from taking their final bow. We left the theatre and headed home in silence. It wasn’t until I lay down for bed that I realized that I had left my Annie doll behind.

Categorized in Annie, Childhood, Children and Parents

Apr
11

Therapy

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Once a week I go and spill my guts to some white chick who seems to think that all i need is reassurance and validation. That creates a couple problems… 1) i need a new therapist, 2) I don’t like her.

I’m supposed to go talk to her today and quite frankly I’m not looking forward to it. I know what i want to talk about, but I also know how she’s going to react. I express fears about infidelity, she tells me that I shouldn’t worry because I’m a great person, the bf is lucky to have me and i look at her like she has breasts growing out of her forehead. I don’t want to hear that. I want to hear why he seems so nonchalant about what happened. I want to hear why his attempts to reassure me didn’t even come close. I want to know why i still don’t trust what I’ve been told. I want to know why I think that even given the chance to come clean he didn’t tell me everything. In other words, I want her to answer the questions that he won’t.

I swear i just want to curl up into a nice little ball and sleep for like 2 months. Maybe in two months I can wake up and we’ll be well into spring and everything will be happy and joyous. Somehow though, I don’t think that’s ever gonna happen.

I just know i’m tired and a nice long sleep would be nice.

Categorized in Life, Love, Therapy and Trust

Apr
10

Divorce

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I’m 9 days away from the end of my marriage. I honestly don’t even know what I feel. Maybe that’s because I kind of always knew it would happen. Don’t get me wrong, i wanted things to work out and I believed in our relationship. But sometimes people aren’t ready.

Some folks have suggested that I didn’t take my vows seriously or that I didn’t know what marriage was about. I disagree. I knew what I was getting into. What I wasn’t expecting was that we’d wind up being so stubborn that we couldn’t manage to get to a common ground. I’m greatful for the experience though. I learned A LOT about the type of person I am and what’s important to me in a relationship. I learned a lot about love and forgiveness and priorities. I think what hurts the most in all of this is that i know i’m losing a friend. Him and I used to go to shows, hang out and just chill together. Even though we’re still cool, I have to often stop myself from calling at 1am to ask “are you watching such-in-such.”

I never thought that i’d be divorced, childless and still in school at 31, but this is the path that i’m walking. Somedays it feels nice to be free to pick up and go wherever whenever, but sometimes I wish I had something a little more stable. I’ve been transient all my life, I think it’d be nice to just stop and stay still for awhile.

Categorized in Divorce, Life and Love

Apr
09

Hip Hop

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To say that I am a bit of a music snob is probably an understatement. I judge people by what they listen to. I have learned to admit that. Perhaps it’s a flaw in my character but whatever. I’m human and that’s what we do. If someone ate puppies for dinner you’d judge them, if someone listened to speeches by Charles Manson you’d judge them, so if you listen to the Yin Yang Twins then i’m judgin you, plain and simple.

I think that growing up I was spoiled. Hip hop, for the most part, was just good… or at least better. It was more about the skill. Hell even the ‘silly’ rappers were talented. Today’s hip hop is just the bastard child of it’s creators. Maybe that’s a little harsh… Either way, I’m being honest. Back in my day (I’ve always wanted to say that), hip hop was about a lot of the same subjects that we hear today, but it was artful. I’m all for growth but i really feel like this shit out here today is just garbage.

My only hope at this point is that hip hop finds a way to move past its current rut and morph into something that I can look back on in 15 more years and still enjoy.

Categorized in Music

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